13 Reasons Why
Thirteen Reasons why I am taking a break from the performing industry.
So this was a massive massive decision for me and one that has taken months of deciding. If you are in this industry you are probably going through or have been through this once or twice. If you know me from auditions, you know how long this decision took and how hard it was just to step away. But now I'm ready to talk about why...
1- Money- I know, i know money doesn't buy happiness but it sure buys security. I couldn't stand that something that that takes so much skill, determination, drive, guts and energy pays so little. We bust our backs working in dead end jobs, to make the smallest amount of money, to live in a city that is so expensive, to be close to the action and for what?
We go to audition after audition not making a penny from them but loosing money because of them... To be told our hair colour isn't right? For all you 'Muggles' (Non-performer people) they get a picture and description of us before we turn up so they know our hair colour. Or to be told were too short... or simply to be told nothing at all.
I went days without eating because i needed to have a singing lesson for an audition that i didn't even make it to the singing call. I pretended to be ill from work so many times just so i could go to an audition for half an hour because it might have been my chance.
The bad thing is even once you've secured that west end job you might still not be paid enough to live or to save or to enjoy life after all the crap you've had to deal with.
Just to summarise: a singing lesson on average is £40 per hour- two a week would be advised, headshots £300, vocal reel £150+, acting reel £300+, a dance class £10+, training £3,000 per term, rent in london on average for a room £600pcm without bills. The standard day job in London that will employ an 'un-relaible' Dancer pays around £70 per day. Does this sound like a dream life to anyone?
I ended up with loans, overdrafts and a declining credit rating.
When you pay a builder you wouldn't say to them "I'm going to pay you less to build my house because it would look good on your CV" so why should a performer have to deal with this.
2- Reality- Realism is quite a big thing for me. I like to be real. I like to know what is going on and way up the scenarios and see what is happening. A reality check is always needed.
Is this my life? By this i mean do i eat, sleep and breath it. The answer, i used to. If you had asked me 2 years ago i would've known every show, every dancer in the show, the choreographer and the jobs they were doing next, who they normally work with, who casts for them.
Do i want to be in the ensemble forever? - the answer is no. Why? Well because we are always treated as less. Take a cruise ship for example: as an ensemble member you get paid less, you don't get your own cabin, you have more duties and why? Now don't get me wrong i know singing is hard but come on we all know dancing deserves a little more respect then it gets.
What is the reality of the performing arts? I currently don't have an answer but i know one thing it is becoming more and more about the name in the show. Potentially one day it might be a full cast of names over talent. Or how many followers you have on social media. who knows?
3- Time- I honestly had no time in my life. I had never been on holiday, I never had days off work unless i was ill. i never had time to meet friends. I never had time to just breathe. If i wasn't at work i was at the gym. If i wasn't at the gym i would be at a singing class or a dance class or a show or an audition. I just felt like i was spinning 100 plates and what i wanted to do was just knock them all down and run. To be fair its pretty much what i did... i broke up with my partner, found a new house, quit my job, dropped my agent, did a massive throw out... and you know what i feel like I've gained a bit of me back again.
Another thing with time is... when do we run out of time? Realistically this kind of job wouldn't be forever i wouldn't be able to dance in the ensemble at the age of 70 and we've already established i wouldn't make enough to retire early... so how long does it go on for.
4- My dream- wow its a big one... dreams are funny aren't they. Without sounding really dickish and sounding like I'm trying to be really deep but.
How quickly can a dream turn into a nightmare?
Dreams change. I dream about having stability and having a house, a dog, a kid even and none of these things are very possible whilst being a performer in London.
I think musical theatre colleges sugar coat things way too much. Why do these teachers not teach us about why they gave up their dream? Was it the same reason? Did they need stability and money and a house?
5- Negativity- One thing i do not deal well with is negativity. I find it gets inside you and eats you from the inside out.
If you ask any performer in auditions right now they will tell you about this immensely negative aura that is happening in the industry. The more people that asked me about life the more people i realised where going through this. It wasn't just people out of work but also the people in the west end or on tour or on a cruise ship. It is like the great depression of musical theatre haha. I know someone should write a musical about it :P
But honestly i was becoming so negative about everything. It wasn't because i was bitter about not working, because i did work and i did pretty well.
6- People- Now this might be a little too truthful for some people but out of six of the big jobs i did i only actually enjoyed two of them because of the cast. Sadly they were the ones that weren't even paid that well. Why is that? honestly the one job i loved to pieces was paid so badly i opened a £2,000 overdraft up because of.
The cast make up so much of the job its unbelievable...again ask any performer. You could be in your dream job and then have the worst cast and that job quickly becomes the worst thing in this world. I have met so many beautiful people a long the way and yes a few from every job but its the vile, bitchy, bitter, horrible people that really destroy that bit of fire you still had going. It's a real shame as well because by the time you are in a job with someone they no longer are your competition, you should work as a company. Even when someone is your competition theres no need to be horrible towards them... i enjoy celebrating the success of others because to me every time i saw someone get a job it made me believe that there was a job out there for me.
7- Morals- Some people really struggled with this one. I once got asked for a nude picture of myself by a choreographer who choreographing a show my partner at the time was dancing in and he knew we were together and living together. To me that shows the lack of morals.
I once was in an audition for a pantomime in a dead end town where the choreographer lined our headshots up a long the table in the order that we were standing and was pushing them off the table on to the floor as we were dancing for her. I honestly felt like stopping and just walking over and picking my headshot up and leaving. Thats the kind of stuff we deal with.
8- Experience- There are so many things that i want to experience that were made so difficult by never having enough money or time. Never knowing what i would be doing next week let alone in a year or month.
I wanted to do driving lessons, i wanted to travel. These are things i can now do because i know what I'm doing from week to week i have some structure in my life.
9- Scheduling- So this is one thing that really got to me. I could never plan anything. I lost friends because of this. I missed weddings, christenings, funerals, holidays all because i never knew what next week would bring. For people in a normal job you get a rota you know what day you will be working and what hours you will be working. You get to book holidays and you definitely can go on them.
For someone in musical theatre even if you had a solid week booked in i promise by the start of the week you could guarantee the week would change things would cancel, you would get an audition that may have asked you to be prepared to have a recall not he next day but then you get cut on the first day so you have lost two days of work because they already found cover for the second day. Or you only take one day off and then get recalled and have to take another day off and then recalled again and take another day off and then get cut and you've lost 3 days of pay for nothing.
I couldn't plan dates or drinks with anyone without that changing at short notice. I had no stability.
10- Pressure- Constant pressure. Pressure from your bank, from your family, from your friends, from yourself, from your singing teacher, from your agent, You live under immense pressure.
You are expected to do well. Muggles believe that is easy, that you leave college and go into the west end, that you live this life of luxury.
"It's hard to dance with devil on your back"
One of the things that i feel really held me back was this pressure on my back. The constant asking what are you doing next when your only in the first week of a contract. Or the constant "remember me when your famous" Even the constant pressure of not even being good enough.
Even the pressure of making this decision was ridiculous. From family telling me that it was the worst thing i could do to the thought of not being able to get an agent again. The things that go through your mind. If i take 6 months out will i be forgotten? Will the performing industry be completely different with a whole new bunch of faces? Will i be out of shape? Will i want to go back? Will i still be able to dance? will my flexibility go?
11- Mental Health- i never really speak about this as it is very very personal. But a blog should be personal right? So i got to a point that i went to the doctors to be put on anti-depressents because i couldn't handle it anymore. I felt like i was shit, that i wasn't good enough. The constant rejection really takes its toll on someone.
I started to get really bad anxiety before and after an audition. Even when you get to a final of an audition they may never tell you that you didn't get the job so you just sit and wonder and wait. I hated getting emails about auditions because i knew that it would say about songs i needed to prepare so i knew that i would have to pay for more singing lessons or i knew that i would have to cancel another shift and not be able to afford rent again.
It's things like this people in the industry don't ever think about. The affect they are having on performers lives.
12- R-e-s-p-e-c-t- Respect is a massive thing. You should respect others and you should also respect your self. You should respect your talent, knowledge, understanding and experience.
People gain my respect by treating me with respect and this is something people have very little of unless of course they need you. As soon as you are needed you then have respect. As soon as they know they can sell tickets because of you or they know you could get them in the door because you know someone they don't... they then need you.
At one point or another you realise that you respect your self worth more then others do around you and that is when you realise that its not the right place for you right now.
One thing i have learnt from getting a full time job is the amount of respect people give you. People understand when your tired, when you need a holiday, when you can't make it because you have a family event, when its your birthday, when its Christmas.
13- L I F E- you know what.. life is too short. The funniest thing was said to me when i decided to take a break from it all and it was:
what are you going to do?
My reply; "Im going to live, I'm going to breathe and I'm going to experience"
Its now been 2 months since i decided and I've paid £2500 off of my debt, I've got a full time job, I've done 14 hours of driving lessons and I've passed my theory test and I've booked my practical test, I've been on holiday, I've moved a bit further out of London. I've been able to treat my mum to a few gifts. I'm going to visit some of my family and friends in two weeks that i haven't been able to visit in so long. I've booked a tattoo that I've wanted for so long but didn't want to get just incase i couldn't book a job because of it.
I am finally living, breathing and experiencing
Cam
x
